I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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