I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
