I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize