How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
