I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
