Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
