this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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