On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
