You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
