so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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