he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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