her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Randomize
