Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
