Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
