O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm bleeding and have questions
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
