I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize