Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
