Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
