thus making me awesome and them whores
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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