I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
