You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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