u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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