i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
