My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
