You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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