OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
cat food counts as protein by the way
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
