pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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