I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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