I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
