It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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