she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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