and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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