is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
