my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
