Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
