the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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