Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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