im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
