does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
