guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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