Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
