I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
