i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
