so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
