My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
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