i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
