I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
