she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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