I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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