i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize