Non-Jews are for practice
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
