You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize