im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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