Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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