So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
