If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
