Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
