I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
