Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
