dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize