Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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