After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
