Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
