Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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