I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize