Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
